Health Energy Potion Review

I was at Fry's once again today, attempting to get away from my family who were watching Oliver Stone's trainwreck W, and buying a 2gig USB drive for $6.99 - a decent sale price. Unable to resist looking at all of the cameras and games and hardware I'll not afford any time soon, I went from the back to the front of the store, and mid-way through (video game section) I passed by the same display where I found the heinous Mana Energy Potion. And horror of horrors, the new flavor was there! Health Energy Potion is the red colored, "apple-cinnamon flavored" (according to the website's "about" section) version of the energy potion. In my first review, I expressed confusion and anger at the audacity it must have taken to brand not only a food product but a food product's supposed effects.

Unable to resist (and having failed to locate the ever-elusive Steven Seagal brand energy drink) I picked up a bottle and headed to the check out line. Standing there, I couldn't believe I was about to waste more money on a product that I dislike not just for tasting the way that Oliver Stone's movies make my head feel (bad) but for deeply held moral reasons. However, I suppose I do have a single experience that I can now thank the creators of Energy Potion for.

I went to the checkout counter as directed by that person whose sole job is to direct you to the checkout counter, and waiting for me was a woman whom I believe to be the best I've ever laid eyes on. You could put this fine young lady in a beauty pageant, a wet T-shirt contest, and a dog show, and she'd easily win them all. She greeted me with the generic checkout "did you find everything you were looking for" bit in a rather fetching Indian accent, or I think she did, I didn't really hear her because I was too busy listening to her boobs. She was wearing a nice, low cut shirt, with just enough cleavage showing to make a man pay attention to her but not so much that he'd immediately know that he could get away with blatant disrespect. Ample enough though, to fill my head with thoughts of warm oil and tantric massage and... sex. Why beat around the bush?

I handed her the merchandise and the money and she asked if I wanted a bag. I knowingly said yes, and she bent down to grab a little bitty plastic bag to hold the little bottle and tiny flash drive that I probably could've carried just as easily in my hands, and as she bent over a tiny bit of panty peeked out and said hello. Red and lacy, probably tasty, or at least more so than Energy Potion, it was also more amusing to watch than Oliver Stone's W, more arousing too. She put the flash drive in the bag, and then picked up the Health Potion and asked me, "have you actually had one of these before?" I laughed, because her expression told me that she had herself. I told her that I had, and she pointed to the "mana" variety on the counter in a display saying, "I tried one of those and it was disgusting." To which I said, "Yeah, tastes like period blood," which I now wish had come out as "can I have your number," especially since she actually laughed at the impulsive and completely tasteless joke I'd just made.

But what's done is done. Oh, and the "Health" potion tastes just as bad as the "Mana" potion. For an apple-cinnamon flavored product, it tastes like neither. And if the blue tinted "Mana" potion tasted like period blood, the red tinted "Health" variety looks like it to boot.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get my nerdiest game, Nightmare of Druaga, to run in my PS2. I had to settle for another understandably obscure (J)RPG, Okage: Shadow King. I would've liked to have drank it while playing Diablo or Baldur's Gate, but in spite of my ability to post multiple times in one week, my computer is offline for the time being. Until it's fixed, I don't want to start anything that might be lost in the near future. Of course, I would've much rather spent my day with that dark complexioned beauty with a wicked sense of humor than trudging through stupid dialogue boxes and mediocre battle systems while drinking an awful concoction of vitamin rich caffeine and obnoxious marketing.

They say that you are what you eat. If that's the case, Health Energy Potion is a tiny bottle of failure; specifically with women.

No comments:

Post a Comment