Gamer Grub

I don’t know why my blog seems to have become the review hub for vaguely food-like products geared toward that nebulous demographic known as “gamers,” but since Lightwing23 enjoys reading the torment they cause me, he was kind enough to bring me an example that he discovered at (correct me if I’m wrong) the center of navel-gazing brand centered idolatry, Hot Topic.

Gamer Grub, “energy snacks” packaged in soft plastic and filled with “select vitamins” and “neurotransmitters,” is a bit less offensive to my sensibilities than some of the other products that get referred to here at the Gilded Trough. At least in the sense that it includes natural ingredients, like nuts or chocolate depending on the flavor, Gamer Grub could at least be described as actual food, albeit heavily processed, gross tasting food. Lightwing brought two flavors, Pizza and PB&J. I tried pizza. RockManXZ24 said that the PB&J Gamer Grub was inedible and got rid of it before I had a chance to actually try it.

It couldn’t really have been worse than the pizza flavor, though, which tasted stale and vaguely like mozzarella, garlic and oregano. It reminded me of pizza flavored Pringles that I ate a long, long time ago. Honestly, the best thing about them was the texture. Like any decent, stereotypical American, I love things that crunch. I can’t speak for the other flavors, but I might have liked the Pizza Gamer Grub if not for the pizza flavor. The flavoring is too strong, too salty, and leaves a weird, persistent aftertaste.

But the selling point of this product is that it won’t leave gamers with greasy fingers while they’re trying to play. This probably works if you pick up the soft package and tilt it into your mouth, but if you actually pick the snacks out with your fingers, you’ll wind up with a lot worse than grease on your keyboard or controller; the fake pizza spice and cheese stuck to my fingers like Cheeto dust. The promise of performance enhancing vitamins and neurotransmitters (amino acids from the nuts, I’m guessing?) is quite silly and won’t actually do anything to help your concentration that a good meal before your gaming session (or during a break) wouldn’t. And how long do you have to play a game to need a snack to boost your concentration? Maybe there’s a whole bunch of hypoglycemic gamers out there that I didn’t know about. Maybe there’s a lot more gamers who just need to pace themselves. Gamers can use other things to help their concentration that will probably annoy much less. Like nicotine or meth.

I like a lot of nasty, processed snack food, so maybe one of the other flavors would actually sit better with me. The idea of food by demographic still pisses me off, which is why Lightwing23 brought it to me. He came into town bearing “gifts,” including a copy of the Wild Side Press edition of the legendarily bad The Eye of Argon. I told him about that one, and thus bear some of the blame for the pain he inflicted on himself by reading it. What pals we are.